Did you ever hear some one say, "That's B.S."?

In case you didn't know what they were talking about, "B.S." stands for "Bull Shit". Apparently, this is a way of saying, "bad information" or "so not true". When I was younger, I never understood that saying, so I just wanted to get it out there in case YOU needed help and were afraid to ASK. YES!!!

Also, if anyone says that they have a "B.S." in Business, they are TOTALLY joking around with you. Apparently they are using "B.S." in place of "B.A." and they are trying to be funny. I never really got it, but I laugh, just in case I'm missing something.

ANYWAYS, I use this term "B.S." a lot, BUT when I use it, I mean "Big Shit". For instance:

"Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I can feel a "B.S." brewing in the chambers and need to leave for fifteen minutes."

So if you hear ME say this, do not confuse it with a "B.A.", because I don't think anyone could get a Bachelor of Arts degree in just fifteen mintues! Not even Stephen Hawking!

The Origin Of Orange Juice

Don’t think for one fucking minute that orange juice is called orange juice because it’s orange in color and it comes from an orange. I discovered the truth and I’m here to right a wrong.

In 1846, Pasco County, Florida, a poor orange farmer by the name of Henry Oren came up with the idea of crushing oranges and collecting their “juice” into containers. Upon drinking this “juice” he soon realized that this could easily be marketed. He started by setting up a makeshift stand in front of his farm and sold the drink under the name “Oren’s Juice”. Unfortunately, due to his economic position, Oren was limited to local sales only.

One day, a wealthy city businessman by the name of Bobby Tropicana happened to drive by Oren’s little farm and try a glass of “Oren’s Juice”. And he loved it. Tropicana immediately butchered Oren and his family and stole the secret recipe for “Oren’s Juice”. To cover up any connection between he and Oren, Tropicana changed the name of the drink to “Orange Juice”. It still had that same snappy zeal that the original name boasted of, but this drink would be the drink to go down in history as everyone’s favorite fruit drink. Bobby Tropicana even named his company “Tropicana” to further distance himself from the Oren family name.

May you burn in hell Bobby Tropicana. May you burn in hell!

"Quickkick" G.I. Joe Guy Needs New Name

I always liked this action figure, but I NEVER liked his name. I think that a name should really describe what you’re known for. Like, "Greatkick", "Koolkick" or "Neatkick".

Now THOSE are awesome names, YES!!!

Sure, "quick" is a fast word describing the potential of this guy's kick, but in these dark (and very harsh) days, words mean different things. ESPECIALLY now that we have QUICKTIME. I know that this guy's name was created in the '80's, but they should not have stuck with his name. Too many fans are going to think he's into computer stuff now, like "Mainframe". SEE? THAT name doesn't need to change because it's STILL RELEVANT! But "Quickkick's" name is too confusing because of Quicktime. At least I’m confused as hell about this.

Now I'm sure that I'm going to have TONS of Mac enthusiasts all over my butt for this one, and I SWEAR, I am not tackling Macintosh products, I'm just saying that Quicktime has a stigma attached to it, and that may not be appropriate for a kicking master!

I'm sticking with "NEATKICK".

Cute As A Button?

Okay, stop everything you’re doing because I am gonna set things straight! Did you ever hear someone say, “Oh, that baby is as cute as a button”? Well, let’s look at the comparison of a button to a baby, shall we? First off, I’ve never wiped a button’s ass after it dropped a shit bomb all over the crib. And second, I’ve never tried to sew a baby to my shirt. See? ‘Nuff said. By the way, I’m go over to Murray’s tea party at noon…should I go stripes or solids?

Parking Ticket Pt. 2

YES!!! I DID IT! I TOLD you I was gonna give someone the ticket envelope, and BOY DID I GIVE IT TO HIM!!! (refer to yesterday's entry "Parking Ticket")

HAHA, WOO!!!! I've been holding onto this F'ing parking ticket envelope for 24 hours, and I've been looking EVERYWHERE for a car that was badly parked. BUT I couldn't find any BADLY PARKED CARS! Ooohhh, it was burning me up all day yesterday and all day today...UNTIL: Lunch Time. I finally had it. I couldn't be patient ANY MORE. SO here's what I did:

I just found a parked car that I could see from my office window. This car wasn't parked badly at all, but I DIDN'T CARE! I just stuck it under the windshield wiper and LEFT! The note inside said,

"I bet your heart is beating NOW, FUCKO!!! This'll teach you to never park like a BAD DRIVER again!"

HAHA! WOW, I was so excited, YES!!! This was one of the BEST PRANKS EVER!!! Now, I wanted to write about this as SOON AS I got back to my office, but I wanted to wait and see who drives the car, and better yet, SEE THEIR EXPRESSION when they see that they got a TICKET!

Well, unfortunately, the owner of the car just walked up to his car and got in it and immediately pulled away, so that sucks. But YOU KNOW he'll be crapping his pants when he notices the ticket in the middle of driving!

Psst!! I smell a car wreck! YES!!!

Cake and Cock

A homeless man on the street just informed me that he has "tons" of cake and cock, and he's fresh out of cake. What the F does that mean?!!!

Parking Ticket

I found a parking ticket on my car this past weekend, which really got me "T.O.'d" But when I opened up the envelope, there was just a note in it that said,

"This is for parking like an asshole. Next time you park, make sure you're not taking up TWO spots!"

WOW. I was so ashamed, yet relieved it wasn't a real ticket. It's pretty funny to think that someone saved their envelope from a ticket THEY received in the past, only to use it to scare someone. I'm going to start doing that, and DON'T WORRY...I WILL let you know about it! YES!!! I'm going to try to find someone parking like an A-HOLE this week! YES!!!

AND...I LEARNED MY LESSON, and I will be more aware of how I park.

The Finger

Okay...WOW. I was coming back from a meeting this morning, I'm driving on Santa Monica Blvd, just about to turn onto Wilshire Blvd, and there's this little brat in the backseat of his mommy's Volvo, right next to me, flicking me off! I could NOT believe my eyes! This lil' Mr. "My-shit-don't-stink" was NOT going to get away with THIS, YES!!! So I slammed on my horn and swerved a little closer to the car. The mom screams at me, cursing, saying she has a child in the back. SO that's when I told her,

"YES, I know that! That's why I wanted to talk to you! Your son gave me the finger. Do you know that THAT means 'FUCK YOU'? Don't you think your son is TOO YOUNG to comprehend the "F word"? Thank you!"

And I just sped away! YES!!! Oooh, he's going to GET IT when they get home! If only I had a picture of how livid that mom was. She's probably going to PUNISH him hard. That's why you don't mess with me, because I get SO EVEN, especially when I'm coming back from a meeting! YES!!!

T.J. Hooker

I just found out that T.J. Hooker was a show that I would have probably watched when I was younger. Basically, my mother didn't allow me to watch it because she thought T. J. Hooker was about a Mexican Prostitute. BUT IT'S SO NOT! T.J. Hooker was about two police officers tracking criminals and enforcing the law. I called my mother to tell her this news, but she claims she never heard of the show. I wonder if it's on DVD, YES!!!

Hameem

WOW, I just ran into a gentleman who goes by the name, "Hameem". I met him at a gas station in Beverly Hills today. This is REALLY FUNNY... when he was talking to me and I was paying for gas, I SWEAR, I was thinking of saying, "Yeah, I know what you "meem." I DIDN'T say it, but OH, that would have been hilarious! And he wouldn't have noticed what I was saying! YES!!! (I was saying "meem", which is the last syllable of his name!)

Okay, so we're up to a whopping 700!!!

YES! Oh lordy, I am TOO xstatic to express the joy exploding all over my body. Floods of seminal fluid bursting like flavor crystals from every pore. Gang, the day is coming SOON! We will have the ULTIMATE in cabbage hunting. We're still locking in the month, but I am aiming for an early May 2008 adventure. Brethren, we are officially up to... (take a big breath) ... (now punch yourself in the dick bag or sin lips)...700 attendees! YES! YES! The scent of this is is already catching the press's olfactory! Too bad it's only the Canadian press. It's "aboot" time to spread the word, followers. We need this to spread like crunchy genital granola with creamy nugat. I tell you this now, if we pass the 1,000 marker by, say, July 4th... I am going to hold a great, great party for anyone who can make the trek to southern California. I mean it! I SO mean it! I will have fireworks, beer, a place to stay overnight (if needed), good beach times, and sandy pudding! I know that all 1,000 will not be able to do this, but I'm sure, just by the results so far, that at LEAST 50-60 can make it. Let's think good things about this! MMmm, I am just really thinking about having some other nice things. But I'll hold back a tiny bit to not reveal this... OKAY, I can't hold it IN!!! I am so BAD!!! I am going to give everyone who comes, and get this: Night Vision Goggles for the GLOW PAINTBALL NIGHT!!! (of course your guns will be covered, too--pssst! ROCKING? YES!) So let's get this oatmeal in our mouths and stay so healthy until need to JUMP into GEAR! YES!